Health Tips From The Bard

How the Bard keeps in shape, vigorous and svelte:

He imbibes in non patented, morally despised food products, some in massive quantities which defy all scientific and medical logic. He especially enjoys tryptophan, vitamin B3, caffeine and other stimulants. Deprived of these substances, which are increasingly banned and patented his health declines, he becomes listless, overweight, and prone to sky rocketing blood pressure and diabetes. On them he is fit, trim, and spry, and passes medical snuff. When off of them, the doctors panic and accuse him of using them even though his body seems to work synergistically and depends on them.

The bane of the Bard is corn syrup and artificial sweeteners. Corn syrup inflames him, most likely because modern farming practices don't allow for the freeing up of the vitamin B3 he requires.

The Bard is interested in a variety of subjects and adheres to the tenets of the famous Nun Study, which indicates that long life and mental health come from being interested and interesting, rather than from living like an ascetic.

The Bard follows, or aspires to examples such as that flaming and compassionate centenarian, Moses of the Mount and his 10 Simple Steps to Happiness and Success.

The Bard reads copiously and has for years, even reading the encyclopedia from cover to cover if one lands in his hands. Does he remember what he reads? Sometimes.

The Bard does not brown-nose or play chess games with human pieces. Nor does he respect those who play social games with others, racking up points in their little black book of life. People are not pawns or points. The world's only a stage for those who write scripts for others and for those who are ignorant enough to seriously act the part thinking it is reality, moaning dramatically, "I am Bathos! I am Bathos!"

The Bard knows so much that he knows he is often wrong. Ignorance and arrogance often are impediments to coming to this conclusion, that one has been deceived. The Bard has been humbled to extreme pits-of-the-trash-can levels and has risen from the rot and refuse a wiser, tougher, and perceptive person able to know trash when he sees and smells it. This Bard particularly enjoys the mental picture of himself rising from a dumpster, sticky paper clinging from his hair, and goo dripping from him. It makes him chuckle.

The Bard enjoys music and is not confined to a particular type, as long as it's not electronically simulated or pop which make him nauseous, vomitous, and break out in a rash. He prefers to get off the main drag for his music and find back alleys and character. The Bard believes that Beatles are ugly bugs that make a nice crunching sound when stepped on. Beatles are watered-down versions of real music which has been made into American Idol versions for mass hysterical consumptives.

The Bard reads Shakespeare, Nabokov, and The Holy Book. These are his foundations and his life rafts upon a stormy sea. When the Bard is sinking he grabs onto these and is lifted up again. These get him out of the tomb and up onto the mountain.

The Bard has strong opinions.

The Bard drinks Borax, Apple Cider Vinegar, molasses, and a special ale; bathes in a bubbling spring, does pull-ups from a lock of Sampson's hair, and cries when he laughs, and admits he will never ever be perfect no matter how many times he is forced to repeat the cycle. It would be better to let me live for ever than to have me return an even more pronounced version of myself, or even as a smaller mite of myself. I'd have far too much fun as a mite.